In my fairly short life, i have watched some bad films. There was The Shining, there was the horrific atrocity people like to know as T3: Rise of the Machines, there was that no-nudity piece of shit Barb Wire directed by and starring Pamela Anderson. They were the tip of the iceberg.
Now, i like 80's and early 90's future films. Whether it was post-apocalyptic like Mad Max or Just plain awesome like Terminator, Waterworld or The Postman i liked it. One i particularly liked was Robocop. It took the views of a foreign director upon the stupidity of america, mixed it in with a fairly original storyline and some intelligent scenes as well as some fairly well done motion capture on all three films in the trilogy. Fair enough three was just a cheesy mess, but i liked it.
But this. This is just awful. They are new actors for the same characters, and they barely even look similar. You can kinda see where the similarities lie but... It's not acceptable, honestly. From start to finish it was just plotless and badly written, fairly badly acted except for one little girl and the woman playing Lewis or her replacement or whatever, i honestly couldn't stand it.
The plotline was way too predictable and just... well, it was the same as the other three but put together with stickytape and hope. Sadly it was massively lacking in the amount of hope needed to make up for what a shitstorm this film generally was, and that's a whole fucking lot of hope. Pretty much all that happened was that the same doctor kept killing people, Robocop kept dying (same as in... well, all the other films) and... that's about it. There was a whole OMGCORPORATESARECORRUPT thing but it was neither original or well done enough to make up for its lack of originality.
I'll sum it up in one way; I love Robocop, i love the cheese and i love the idea and the storylines, as well as the backstories and sub-characters. I can watch them, and do, quite often and still enjoy them. This film, the first time i watched it, i wanted so badly to watch it all the way through but ended up reading the ARGOS CATALOGUE. That is how shit-bored i was.
I'd give it a 3/10, but that would make it level with The Shining and it was even worse than that. So that makes it a 2/10. It was terrible, if you are a die-hard or even just a fan or Robocop, never watch this film. Forget it exists. Burn your retinas if anyone even MENTIONS it. Seriously.
Sunday 31 May 2009
Saturday 30 May 2009
Outpost
This, as a pre-text, is a fucking awesome film. A bunch of international ex-special forces mercenaries get given a 48 hour quick job to escort a man to find some natural resources in the heart of... Ukraine? Or some cold country, I don't really remember and it's irrelevant. Anyways, they get there and the place is haunted by FREAKIN' SUPERHERO NAZI ZOMBIES OF DOOM +5. I nearly came just reading about it.
I was thinking, ya know what, this film is going to have no storyline and I'm not going to care. But the film surprised me. The was very little character building, but enough that you really knew a lot about each character and you cared for them in their own little scummy/un-scummy way and i like that. There was a storyline, a fairly good one, and it had some quite cool science to it too. And a little history lesson, even if there were CG soldiers in a film supposedly made in 1943 or summit...
There were some very good twists to the film too, and they were refreshing as well as very original in places. It was just a very good mixture, new story ideas and good dialogue mixed in with some well-placed cheesiness. It kinda had to be there, super-nazi's vs. mercenary special forces? Kinda REALLY had to have some cheese, would be against the law not to.
I know this is kind of a short review, but it's difficult to think of any more to write... It was a good film with a good story and some good action, it's really a shame this film wasn't more wide-spread to be honest. It has an obviously british director, but with it's different nationalities and universal european settings it could be popular in a fair few countries and rightly so.
As a score, i'd give it a good 8/10. It was a fantastic pre-text and it pulled it off believably without resorting to catch-all and fantastical explanations, it made it feel very much like it was kind of possible. Well acted, well made and well worth watching. If i hadn't already downloaded it, i'd go out and buy it.
I was thinking, ya know what, this film is going to have no storyline and I'm not going to care. But the film surprised me. The was very little character building, but enough that you really knew a lot about each character and you cared for them in their own little scummy/un-scummy way and i like that. There was a storyline, a fairly good one, and it had some quite cool science to it too. And a little history lesson, even if there were CG soldiers in a film supposedly made in 1943 or summit...
There were some very good twists to the film too, and they were refreshing as well as very original in places. It was just a very good mixture, new story ideas and good dialogue mixed in with some well-placed cheesiness. It kinda had to be there, super-nazi's vs. mercenary special forces? Kinda REALLY had to have some cheese, would be against the law not to.
I know this is kind of a short review, but it's difficult to think of any more to write... It was a good film with a good story and some good action, it's really a shame this film wasn't more wide-spread to be honest. It has an obviously british director, but with it's different nationalities and universal european settings it could be popular in a fair few countries and rightly so.
As a score, i'd give it a good 8/10. It was a fantastic pre-text and it pulled it off believably without resorting to catch-all and fantastical explanations, it made it feel very much like it was kind of possible. Well acted, well made and well worth watching. If i hadn't already downloaded it, i'd go out and buy it.
Star Trekkies, across the universe...
Went to the cinema with a good friend t'other day to go and see one of them new fangled filmographs, a conceptual movie called "Star Trek". Treks across the grand universe? Pah. Impossible.
Anyways, away from being a fag, the review. I went along with mixed views as to what to expect. I wanted to see the film, and having religiously watched every series EXCEPT the first i felt i was in a perfect place to not worry about continuity errors too much but to have a good overview of the point of the concept. I was about right.
The film was... Good. I don't know really, it was just... good. This being a review, i know i'm going to have to extrapolate from the point, but that is my honest, hand on hearts thought about the film. Wouldn't buy it, but i guess if someone said they had it on them i certainly wouldn't complain, and in film terms that pretty average for me.
I was expecting big scenes of uber-action, and they were there, but they never drew me in. I never felt part of the action, its not that it was impossible to feel part because it's in the future or whatever but the directing just seemed somewhat out of sync... I had no sense of tension, no heart racing, no nothing. It was just something happening, something kinda cool but nothing to right home about or want to run out and pre-order it.
The writing was good, and it was a really quite good story if a little confusing. I think if i would've felt more part of the movie i would have bothered a little harder to keep up with it, it's not like it's Fight Club complicated or even Deja Vu complicated, but i wasn't all that interested. It was good for the set pieces, and Simon Pegg was as funny as ever (perfect role for him) but other than that it just didn't stand out as a movie, especially with all the awesome films expected this summer. Terminator Salvation and Bruno in the same summer, fuck yeah.
As a score, i would give it... 6/10. It's not a bad film, far from it, but it's no better than average. Two last points; The whole "new reality" thing, stroke of genius. Keeps the nerds at bay as much as it's possible to, nice one them. Second thing; I did watch a fair amount of the original series, albeit not in order and sporadically over the years, but Spock and Uhara? The fuck? Alternate reality maybe, alternate BRAIN no. Didn't really change the film up or make it any better or worse, but it just seemed :OOC: to me.
Anyways, away from being a fag, the review. I went along with mixed views as to what to expect. I wanted to see the film, and having religiously watched every series EXCEPT the first i felt i was in a perfect place to not worry about continuity errors too much but to have a good overview of the point of the concept. I was about right.
The film was... Good. I don't know really, it was just... good. This being a review, i know i'm going to have to extrapolate from the point, but that is my honest, hand on hearts thought about the film. Wouldn't buy it, but i guess if someone said they had it on them i certainly wouldn't complain, and in film terms that pretty average for me.
I was expecting big scenes of uber-action, and they were there, but they never drew me in. I never felt part of the action, its not that it was impossible to feel part because it's in the future or whatever but the directing just seemed somewhat out of sync... I had no sense of tension, no heart racing, no nothing. It was just something happening, something kinda cool but nothing to right home about or want to run out and pre-order it.
The writing was good, and it was a really quite good story if a little confusing. I think if i would've felt more part of the movie i would have bothered a little harder to keep up with it, it's not like it's Fight Club complicated or even Deja Vu complicated, but i wasn't all that interested. It was good for the set pieces, and Simon Pegg was as funny as ever (perfect role for him) but other than that it just didn't stand out as a movie, especially with all the awesome films expected this summer. Terminator Salvation and Bruno in the same summer, fuck yeah.
As a score, i would give it... 6/10. It's not a bad film, far from it, but it's no better than average. Two last points; The whole "new reality" thing, stroke of genius. Keeps the nerds at bay as much as it's possible to, nice one them. Second thing; I did watch a fair amount of the original series, albeit not in order and sporadically over the years, but Spock and Uhara? The fuck? Alternate reality maybe, alternate BRAIN no. Didn't really change the film up or make it any better or worse, but it just seemed :OOC: to me.
Wednesday 20 May 2009
Punisher: War Zone
I finally got around to illegally downloading this film the other day, after many months of thinking about it and forgetting every single time i actually managed to get online even after thinking about it for most of a day which is seriously annoying and i know we all do it ALL the time *virtually breathes*, and it was everything i expected with freakin' awesomesauce sprayed on with buckets made of pure awesomeite.
I've watched the two older films, the 1980's Dolph Lundgrem version and the modern (2004, i think) version and i thought they were both slightly lacking in something. I had a slight preference to the older version in general because it more closely followed the original comic-book story and style, myself collecting Punisher comics, but they both seemed to be missing something in translation that was tangible but impossible to put your finger on... They both had different styles of pulling it off but the two actors both managed the acceptable angst, the directors managed to purvey a story correctly and both were paced well. It wasn't until i watched this newest film i finally realised what they were missing from both films, finally it rolled from the tiip of my tongue.
Hardcore, unrelenting, heart racing and occasionally offputting VIOLENCE. The comic books are abosolutely unrelenting, with a storyline-violence ratio of very little-OMG but somehow still managing to keep you thrilled and interested in what happens to all the created NPCs, and finally they managed to pull it off.
Personally, i would have loved the film purely for the guns. I loved watching all the different weapons and his horrifically incorrect use for them and just how many magazines he seemed to have on him, and the ammo capacity for all the weapons was withheld well giving it extra marks. Come on, M93r's for his standard sidearms? Wasteful much.
Anyone, before i go off on a gun rant (Wanted and Hitman are where i'll be doing that ^_^) i think this is a brilliant film. A lot of people will be put off slightly by the cheese, but that is just all in keeping with the comic book itself. Some may be put off by the whole idea of the film, and its lack of storyline, but then hey, just don't watch the film. Girl.
I'll give this my highest score yet, 8/10. If you like guns, watch it. If you like violence, watch it. If you LIVE, freakin watch it.
I've watched the two older films, the 1980's Dolph Lundgrem version and the modern (2004, i think) version and i thought they were both slightly lacking in something. I had a slight preference to the older version in general because it more closely followed the original comic-book story and style, myself collecting Punisher comics, but they both seemed to be missing something in translation that was tangible but impossible to put your finger on... They both had different styles of pulling it off but the two actors both managed the acceptable angst, the directors managed to purvey a story correctly and both were paced well. It wasn't until i watched this newest film i finally realised what they were missing from both films, finally it rolled from the tiip of my tongue.
Hardcore, unrelenting, heart racing and occasionally offputting VIOLENCE. The comic books are abosolutely unrelenting, with a storyline-violence ratio of very little-OMG but somehow still managing to keep you thrilled and interested in what happens to all the created NPCs, and finally they managed to pull it off.
Personally, i would have loved the film purely for the guns. I loved watching all the different weapons and his horrifically incorrect use for them and just how many magazines he seemed to have on him, and the ammo capacity for all the weapons was withheld well giving it extra marks. Come on, M93r's for his standard sidearms? Wasteful much.
Anyone, before i go off on a gun rant (Wanted and Hitman are where i'll be doing that ^_^) i think this is a brilliant film. A lot of people will be put off slightly by the cheese, but that is just all in keeping with the comic book itself. Some may be put off by the whole idea of the film, and its lack of storyline, but then hey, just don't watch the film. Girl.
I'll give this my highest score yet, 8/10. If you like guns, watch it. If you like violence, watch it. If you LIVE, freakin watch it.
Sunday 3 May 2009
Evil Dead 2
I watched this film a few days after watching the first, The Evil Dead, and must say that i noticed way too many similarities to just brush off. They are basically the same film, no bones about it. But note that i haven't said this is a bad thing. It really isn't.
The films both start with a car (singular, it's the same car in both fucking films) with people in driving to an abandoned shack. They go into the shack with holiday intentions and find a tape player with a mans voice on that starts reciting demon-raising incantations before long and they go on to say that a member of the family was taken over by a demon and killed everyone. That's BOTH films, both the same.
Frankly, i can't be bothered to proceed with the rest of the film, Ash finds weapons, everyone dies one by one blah blah blah. The only difference, and it's a big difference, is that the first film tries to be serious, really serious, but is laughable about it. The second film, the one i'm reviewing, tries to be funny but has a very heavy serious edge. A MASSIVE improvement. The whole infected hand scene, where he cuts off his own demon-animated hand and traps it in an upturned bucket, genius.
And the man ends up with a chainsaw for a hand. Fuck yeah.
Despite my bitching and moaning, you know what, i liked it. It's another cult film, and i can tell why. It's a funny film, a serious film, and actually manages to disgust at times with Nurgle-like make-up. This all adds together to make a film i would definitely watch again, and would recommend to a fellow horror enthusiast for nothing other than cheap lolfactor.
A fine 6/10, a reasonable score.
The films both start with a car (singular, it's the same car in both fucking films) with people in driving to an abandoned shack. They go into the shack with holiday intentions and find a tape player with a mans voice on that starts reciting demon-raising incantations before long and they go on to say that a member of the family was taken over by a demon and killed everyone. That's BOTH films, both the same.
Frankly, i can't be bothered to proceed with the rest of the film, Ash finds weapons, everyone dies one by one blah blah blah. The only difference, and it's a big difference, is that the first film tries to be serious, really serious, but is laughable about it. The second film, the one i'm reviewing, tries to be funny but has a very heavy serious edge. A MASSIVE improvement. The whole infected hand scene, where he cuts off his own demon-animated hand and traps it in an upturned bucket, genius.
And the man ends up with a chainsaw for a hand. Fuck yeah.
Despite my bitching and moaning, you know what, i liked it. It's another cult film, and i can tell why. It's a funny film, a serious film, and actually manages to disgust at times with Nurgle-like make-up. This all adds together to make a film i would definitely watch again, and would recommend to a fellow horror enthusiast for nothing other than cheap lolfactor.
A fine 6/10, a reasonable score.
Saturday 2 May 2009
The Shinning
As the intro rolls through some mountains following a car for frankly too long, the music tells you that this film is definitely going to try and be scary. Some odd psychic kid and a whole lot of unusuality later, i'm not entirely sure of my opinion on it.
I'll come clean, i did fall asleep and miss about a third of the film. As late as it was, i'm not prone to fall asleep in films and I know it was kind of a thing of the times, and things have changed a lot, but BOY did this film drag on for almost all of it. I'm fairly sure i fell asleep in hope of dreaming of paint drying just to add some fucking interest to my life.
That said, the end was fairly awesome. The whole hedge maze thing was genius, and all the massively used and stereotyped parts were well worth the wait. And there's a pretty wrong bit with an old woman in the bath too, that was good. Other than that, land of the zzzzs for me all the way.
One thing i'll give this film a serious thumbs up for is an absolutely sterling acting job by Jack Nicholson, fantastic throughout. He made a creepily good job of a psycho, and made a bad film in the modern day almost bearable. Almost.
I would say... 3/10. That's almost all on the acting, really not a film i enjoyed other than the end and that is almost completely discounting the hour-odd where i fell asleep and really didn't seem to miss much at all. A film i really wouldn't watch again, but hey, call it a classic, call it what the fuck you like, i just call it a drag.
I'll come clean, i did fall asleep and miss about a third of the film. As late as it was, i'm not prone to fall asleep in films and I know it was kind of a thing of the times, and things have changed a lot, but BOY did this film drag on for almost all of it. I'm fairly sure i fell asleep in hope of dreaming of paint drying just to add some fucking interest to my life.
That said, the end was fairly awesome. The whole hedge maze thing was genius, and all the massively used and stereotyped parts were well worth the wait. And there's a pretty wrong bit with an old woman in the bath too, that was good. Other than that, land of the zzzzs for me all the way.
One thing i'll give this film a serious thumbs up for is an absolutely sterling acting job by Jack Nicholson, fantastic throughout. He made a creepily good job of a psycho, and made a bad film in the modern day almost bearable. Almost.
I would say... 3/10. That's almost all on the acting, really not a film i enjoyed other than the end and that is almost completely discounting the hour-odd where i fell asleep and really didn't seem to miss much at all. A film i really wouldn't watch again, but hey, call it a classic, call it what the fuck you like, i just call it a drag.
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