I rarely go to the cinema. Frankly, with the Namco Station there, I would MUCH rather just spend seven quid playing the new Silent Hill shooter considering I haven't played it yet and it seems awesome. But, on these rare occasions, I nearly always go with a female and they nearly always dictate what we watch. Although for once it wasn't MY female, still the dictation happened and once again i went to a film other than the one i wanted to. This film happened to be Dorian Grey, a film so indifferent it was barely advertised and i'd almost forgotten it existed.
The idea of it is good: a man makes a silent deal with the devil to have all his injuries and aging (essentially his soul) be cast upon a portrait of himself, this portrait eventually haunting his life and making it a struggle to see whether the invincibility is worth it. The film covered the story well, but... that's all it seemed to do. There was nothing massively special about the film, it wasn't even generic because I haven't seen a film like it in a while if ever, but nothing stuck in the mind. The portrait scenes were cool, but... well, it lacked substance.
To put a point on it, i've heard the book is very good and personally i'm a fan of all the classics related to sci-fi and horror. So, if you want a story with substance and a point past unrelated... immemorable things happening, just read the book. If you can't cope with books, don't bother. Plain and simple really.
To mark it, i'd say... 5/10. The lower end of average. I can't put the film down, it was entertaining, but i always mark a film for how it would be enjoyed alone on dvd and this film would lose massive points on both not being on the big screen and for not having fun with mates while viewing. I doubt i'll watch it gain.
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Thursday, 20 August 2009
The Mummy: Tomb Of The Pointless Sequel
Of all the films I have watched in recent times, let's say this year, nearly all of them that i had never seen before had something fresh about them. Franklyn, Outpost, City of Embers (which I must watch remember to watch again and review, that was good. And Franklyn, for that matter) and even Punisher: Warzone all had an air that they were having a go at something innovative. The Mummy: Tomb of The Dragon Emperor, however, was shamelessly similar to the other two, which were distinctly similar in themselves.
But, as is usual with me, I can't see this as a bad thing. I enjoyed the original film, even had some of the toys if i remember correctly, and this still has the same old school charm i enjoyed back in the day. The introduction of the whole "in China instead" thing was enough of a difference that the obsene similarities were almost ignorable. The film was so shameless in it's similarities (sorry to go on about it) that it just downright said it. The amount of references to having "done it all before" were numerous. I liked it, some people may not.
The film was still good though. Alex is all grown up and the father-son thing he has going on with Brendan Fraser's character (you know, the old main character) is cool, and though there is a love interest it's an immortal freakin kung-fu expert ninja motherfucker who looks good if i do say so myself. Her mum's not bad either.
There are a lot of guns, a lot of explosion, a car chase and all the other staples of these films, just two-fold now Alex has his own gun collection and ideas on how to... well, have car chases and blow shit up. Add some martial arts and just plain Jet Li, add in the pretty cool battle scenes, fucking YETIS and awesome special effects then it makes for a film that if it were the first in the series would have been hugely popular and would've been loved as much, if not more than its predecessors.
As a film, i would give it a 8/10, but because it never shocked me and because of the sense I really had seen it all before, even if it wasn't actually in the other two films, the real score is 6/10. If you liked the other two, watch it. There really is no reason why not, just to watch a fit Chink talk yeti and proceed to have her abominable slaves fuck up a small section of the chinese army it's a film worth saying yes to.
But, as is usual with me, I can't see this as a bad thing. I enjoyed the original film, even had some of the toys if i remember correctly, and this still has the same old school charm i enjoyed back in the day. The introduction of the whole "in China instead" thing was enough of a difference that the obsene similarities were almost ignorable. The film was so shameless in it's similarities (sorry to go on about it) that it just downright said it. The amount of references to having "done it all before" were numerous. I liked it, some people may not.
The film was still good though. Alex is all grown up and the father-son thing he has going on with Brendan Fraser's character (you know, the old main character) is cool, and though there is a love interest it's an immortal freakin kung-fu expert ninja motherfucker who looks good if i do say so myself. Her mum's not bad either.
There are a lot of guns, a lot of explosion, a car chase and all the other staples of these films, just two-fold now Alex has his own gun collection and ideas on how to... well, have car chases and blow shit up. Add some martial arts and just plain Jet Li, add in the pretty cool battle scenes, fucking YETIS and awesome special effects then it makes for a film that if it were the first in the series would have been hugely popular and would've been loved as much, if not more than its predecessors.
As a film, i would give it a 8/10, but because it never shocked me and because of the sense I really had seen it all before, even if it wasn't actually in the other two films, the real score is 6/10. If you liked the other two, watch it. There really is no reason why not, just to watch a fit Chink talk yeti and proceed to have her abominable slaves fuck up a small section of the chinese army it's a film worth saying yes to.
Cruel Intentions
I watched a tonne of films i've never seen last night, and although most of them were girly (being at a girls house, oddly enough) at least a few were decent films. As much as at the heart of them is the purest good, and there is a love story unfailingly in every one, i have no intrinsic hatred of films that are designed for females.
This film, above all others, pretty much states fully my feelings on why these films should be watched without too much resistance. The pretense of Cruel Intentions is simple, a man takes a bet (on the possible loss of his '56 Jaguar Roadster no less) that he can fuck the new headmasters daughter (who, being Reeses Witherspoon, is fairly good looking anyways) before school even starts, starting his reputation a-rolling before the year even starts. The whole story gets a bit confused when he wants to fuck his step-sister in return, but you know how these things go.
This is a simple story, and as much as it would have been a frankly TERRIBLE film if that was all that was involved I genuinely enjoyed the film. The intertwined stories are interesting, and the plot twists obviously to be expected with a brother and sister (played by a young Sarah Michelle-Gellar in various scanty outfits. FIT) infatuated with eachother but in an eternal power struggle to control one another were actually slightly shocking at times. I guess i've come to be able to predict the type of film i enjoy, this was a nice escape.
I can't write a review of this film without mentioning how outrageously bonerific it was. It was surely made with men being dragged to the cinema in mind, there were some fantastically lacking costumes and Sarah Michelle-Gellar had a lesbian make out scene with a stupid but fit girl whose name i've forgotten. The film at times was positively gratuitous, and god damn would that have kept me going long enough to watch the film even if the rest was a shitstorm. Which it wasn't.
So, all in all, a good film. I'll give it... 6/10. It was a film that, if in female company who disliked guns, violence, gore and obsene nudity entirely out of context i would crack out. It was enjoyable enough that if i were in the mood i may even watch again, albeit not alone. I wouldn't crack it out alone for fear of cracking one out alone.
This film, above all others, pretty much states fully my feelings on why these films should be watched without too much resistance. The pretense of Cruel Intentions is simple, a man takes a bet (on the possible loss of his '56 Jaguar Roadster no less) that he can fuck the new headmasters daughter (who, being Reeses Witherspoon, is fairly good looking anyways) before school even starts, starting his reputation a-rolling before the year even starts. The whole story gets a bit confused when he wants to fuck his step-sister in return, but you know how these things go.
This is a simple story, and as much as it would have been a frankly TERRIBLE film if that was all that was involved I genuinely enjoyed the film. The intertwined stories are interesting, and the plot twists obviously to be expected with a brother and sister (played by a young Sarah Michelle-Gellar in various scanty outfits. FIT) infatuated with eachother but in an eternal power struggle to control one another were actually slightly shocking at times. I guess i've come to be able to predict the type of film i enjoy, this was a nice escape.
I can't write a review of this film without mentioning how outrageously bonerific it was. It was surely made with men being dragged to the cinema in mind, there were some fantastically lacking costumes and Sarah Michelle-Gellar had a lesbian make out scene with a stupid but fit girl whose name i've forgotten. The film at times was positively gratuitous, and god damn would that have kept me going long enough to watch the film even if the rest was a shitstorm. Which it wasn't.
So, all in all, a good film. I'll give it... 6/10. It was a film that, if in female company who disliked guns, violence, gore and obsene nudity entirely out of context i would crack out. It was enjoyable enough that if i were in the mood i may even watch again, albeit not alone. I wouldn't crack it out alone for fear of cracking one out alone.
Thursday, 4 June 2009
Terminator: Salivation
I LOVE Terminator. Well, i say that. I love The Terminator and i love Terminator 2. Terminator 3, T3, Rise of the Machines, whatever you want to call it, was just plain crap. It had some good moments, but it is in no way a classic and anyone who calls it as such should be shot with every gun in the film. And that's a freakin LOT. Theres some big ones too. Have to use those last...
This new film has had some mixed reviews from the other people out there. Some people have marked it down, saying that it isn't in keeping with the original style, or that it's lacking somewhat in plot and originality. To be honest, yeah, i'll agree somewhat with it's lack of plot, but i honestly didn't mind all that much. There was a plot... Piece, not so much twist, at the end, that actually shocked me, i seriously wasn't expecting it, and that impressed me immensely. It's rare a film manages to actually surprise these days. That is much in the vein of the rest of the film. So what if it's not like the original films, it's an actually good film.
Christian Bale, my personal favourite actor, did very well in this film. I had my doubts as to his ability to play John Connor, but he impressed, even if he did use his gruff "I'm Batman" voice once or twice too many. I'm not sure if he CAN shout in any other way any more. The support actress was a fine actor and a fine female too, very easy on the eye, and the dude playing the newest terminator fitted the bill well too, a good actor considering i've never seen or heard of him. Chekov from Star Trek played Kyle Reese, a better performance than in the former and really showed off his talent. He's likely to be big.
The new development of terminators was very cool, with new T-600's (being what was previously the T-800 in the original timeline, cleverly advanced by the third film) and the T-800 having interesting features. There are also terminator motorbikes, new H-K's, transport ships and practical terminator collosii to spice up the mix. Very interesting to a geek like me and nice new spice to the genre.
Just to add it in there, there were plenty of guns too. Oddly enough, though it's 2018, the weapons systems are distinctly exactly the same as current times, which i guess suits considering. The terminators have their laser-ball thingies which i guess suits the purpose. All in all, good enough for an action film. Usual insertion of a pointlessly huge (I'm assuming .45) Desert Eagle, but that's to be expected.
Sunday, 31 May 2009
Robocop: The Future Of Law Enforcement
In my fairly short life, i have watched some bad films. There was The Shining, there was the horrific atrocity people like to know as T3: Rise of the Machines, there was that no-nudity piece of shit Barb Wire directed by and starring Pamela Anderson. They were the tip of the iceberg.
Now, i like 80's and early 90's future films. Whether it was post-apocalyptic like Mad Max or Just plain awesome like Terminator, Waterworld or The Postman i liked it. One i particularly liked was Robocop. It took the views of a foreign director upon the stupidity of america, mixed it in with a fairly original storyline and some intelligent scenes as well as some fairly well done motion capture on all three films in the trilogy. Fair enough three was just a cheesy mess, but i liked it.
But this. This is just awful. They are new actors for the same characters, and they barely even look similar. You can kinda see where the similarities lie but... It's not acceptable, honestly. From start to finish it was just plotless and badly written, fairly badly acted except for one little girl and the woman playing Lewis or her replacement or whatever, i honestly couldn't stand it.
The plotline was way too predictable and just... well, it was the same as the other three but put together with stickytape and hope. Sadly it was massively lacking in the amount of hope needed to make up for what a shitstorm this film generally was, and that's a whole fucking lot of hope. Pretty much all that happened was that the same doctor kept killing people, Robocop kept dying (same as in... well, all the other films) and... that's about it. There was a whole OMGCORPORATESARECORRUPT thing but it was neither original or well done enough to make up for its lack of originality.
I'll sum it up in one way; I love Robocop, i love the cheese and i love the idea and the storylines, as well as the backstories and sub-characters. I can watch them, and do, quite often and still enjoy them. This film, the first time i watched it, i wanted so badly to watch it all the way through but ended up reading the ARGOS CATALOGUE. That is how shit-bored i was.
I'd give it a 3/10, but that would make it level with The Shining and it was even worse than that. So that makes it a 2/10. It was terrible, if you are a die-hard or even just a fan or Robocop, never watch this film. Forget it exists. Burn your retinas if anyone even MENTIONS it. Seriously.
Now, i like 80's and early 90's future films. Whether it was post-apocalyptic like Mad Max or Just plain awesome like Terminator, Waterworld or The Postman i liked it. One i particularly liked was Robocop. It took the views of a foreign director upon the stupidity of america, mixed it in with a fairly original storyline and some intelligent scenes as well as some fairly well done motion capture on all three films in the trilogy. Fair enough three was just a cheesy mess, but i liked it.
But this. This is just awful. They are new actors for the same characters, and they barely even look similar. You can kinda see where the similarities lie but... It's not acceptable, honestly. From start to finish it was just plotless and badly written, fairly badly acted except for one little girl and the woman playing Lewis or her replacement or whatever, i honestly couldn't stand it.
The plotline was way too predictable and just... well, it was the same as the other three but put together with stickytape and hope. Sadly it was massively lacking in the amount of hope needed to make up for what a shitstorm this film generally was, and that's a whole fucking lot of hope. Pretty much all that happened was that the same doctor kept killing people, Robocop kept dying (same as in... well, all the other films) and... that's about it. There was a whole OMGCORPORATESARECORRUPT thing but it was neither original or well done enough to make up for its lack of originality.
I'll sum it up in one way; I love Robocop, i love the cheese and i love the idea and the storylines, as well as the backstories and sub-characters. I can watch them, and do, quite often and still enjoy them. This film, the first time i watched it, i wanted so badly to watch it all the way through but ended up reading the ARGOS CATALOGUE. That is how shit-bored i was.
I'd give it a 3/10, but that would make it level with The Shining and it was even worse than that. So that makes it a 2/10. It was terrible, if you are a die-hard or even just a fan or Robocop, never watch this film. Forget it exists. Burn your retinas if anyone even MENTIONS it. Seriously.
Saturday, 30 May 2009
Outpost
This, as a pre-text, is a fucking awesome film. A bunch of international ex-special forces mercenaries get given a 48 hour quick job to escort a man to find some natural resources in the heart of... Ukraine? Or some cold country, I don't really remember and it's irrelevant. Anyways, they get there and the place is haunted by FREAKIN' SUPERHERO NAZI ZOMBIES OF DOOM +5. I nearly came just reading about it.
I was thinking, ya know what, this film is going to have no storyline and I'm not going to care. But the film surprised me. The was very little character building, but enough that you really knew a lot about each character and you cared for them in their own little scummy/un-scummy way and i like that. There was a storyline, a fairly good one, and it had some quite cool science to it too. And a little history lesson, even if there were CG soldiers in a film supposedly made in 1943 or summit...
There were some very good twists to the film too, and they were refreshing as well as very original in places. It was just a very good mixture, new story ideas and good dialogue mixed in with some well-placed cheesiness. It kinda had to be there, super-nazi's vs. mercenary special forces? Kinda REALLY had to have some cheese, would be against the law not to.
I know this is kind of a short review, but it's difficult to think of any more to write... It was a good film with a good story and some good action, it's really a shame this film wasn't more wide-spread to be honest. It has an obviously british director, but with it's different nationalities and universal european settings it could be popular in a fair few countries and rightly so.
As a score, i'd give it a good 8/10. It was a fantastic pre-text and it pulled it off believably without resorting to catch-all and fantastical explanations, it made it feel very much like it was kind of possible. Well acted, well made and well worth watching. If i hadn't already downloaded it, i'd go out and buy it.
I was thinking, ya know what, this film is going to have no storyline and I'm not going to care. But the film surprised me. The was very little character building, but enough that you really knew a lot about each character and you cared for them in their own little scummy/un-scummy way and i like that. There was a storyline, a fairly good one, and it had some quite cool science to it too. And a little history lesson, even if there were CG soldiers in a film supposedly made in 1943 or summit...
There were some very good twists to the film too, and they were refreshing as well as very original in places. It was just a very good mixture, new story ideas and good dialogue mixed in with some well-placed cheesiness. It kinda had to be there, super-nazi's vs. mercenary special forces? Kinda REALLY had to have some cheese, would be against the law not to.
I know this is kind of a short review, but it's difficult to think of any more to write... It was a good film with a good story and some good action, it's really a shame this film wasn't more wide-spread to be honest. It has an obviously british director, but with it's different nationalities and universal european settings it could be popular in a fair few countries and rightly so.
As a score, i'd give it a good 8/10. It was a fantastic pre-text and it pulled it off believably without resorting to catch-all and fantastical explanations, it made it feel very much like it was kind of possible. Well acted, well made and well worth watching. If i hadn't already downloaded it, i'd go out and buy it.
Star Trekkies, across the universe...
Went to the cinema with a good friend t'other day to go and see one of them new fangled filmographs, a conceptual movie called "Star Trek". Treks across the grand universe? Pah. Impossible.
Anyways, away from being a fag, the review. I went along with mixed views as to what to expect. I wanted to see the film, and having religiously watched every series EXCEPT the first i felt i was in a perfect place to not worry about continuity errors too much but to have a good overview of the point of the concept. I was about right.
The film was... Good. I don't know really, it was just... good. This being a review, i know i'm going to have to extrapolate from the point, but that is my honest, hand on hearts thought about the film. Wouldn't buy it, but i guess if someone said they had it on them i certainly wouldn't complain, and in film terms that pretty average for me.
I was expecting big scenes of uber-action, and they were there, but they never drew me in. I never felt part of the action, its not that it was impossible to feel part because it's in the future or whatever but the directing just seemed somewhat out of sync... I had no sense of tension, no heart racing, no nothing. It was just something happening, something kinda cool but nothing to right home about or want to run out and pre-order it.
The writing was good, and it was a really quite good story if a little confusing. I think if i would've felt more part of the movie i would have bothered a little harder to keep up with it, it's not like it's Fight Club complicated or even Deja Vu complicated, but i wasn't all that interested. It was good for the set pieces, and Simon Pegg was as funny as ever (perfect role for him) but other than that it just didn't stand out as a movie, especially with all the awesome films expected this summer. Terminator Salvation and Bruno in the same summer, fuck yeah.
As a score, i would give it... 6/10. It's not a bad film, far from it, but it's no better than average. Two last points; The whole "new reality" thing, stroke of genius. Keeps the nerds at bay as much as it's possible to, nice one them. Second thing; I did watch a fair amount of the original series, albeit not in order and sporadically over the years, but Spock and Uhara? The fuck? Alternate reality maybe, alternate BRAIN no. Didn't really change the film up or make it any better or worse, but it just seemed :OOC: to me.
Anyways, away from being a fag, the review. I went along with mixed views as to what to expect. I wanted to see the film, and having religiously watched every series EXCEPT the first i felt i was in a perfect place to not worry about continuity errors too much but to have a good overview of the point of the concept. I was about right.
The film was... Good. I don't know really, it was just... good. This being a review, i know i'm going to have to extrapolate from the point, but that is my honest, hand on hearts thought about the film. Wouldn't buy it, but i guess if someone said they had it on them i certainly wouldn't complain, and in film terms that pretty average for me.
I was expecting big scenes of uber-action, and they were there, but they never drew me in. I never felt part of the action, its not that it was impossible to feel part because it's in the future or whatever but the directing just seemed somewhat out of sync... I had no sense of tension, no heart racing, no nothing. It was just something happening, something kinda cool but nothing to right home about or want to run out and pre-order it.
The writing was good, and it was a really quite good story if a little confusing. I think if i would've felt more part of the movie i would have bothered a little harder to keep up with it, it's not like it's Fight Club complicated or even Deja Vu complicated, but i wasn't all that interested. It was good for the set pieces, and Simon Pegg was as funny as ever (perfect role for him) but other than that it just didn't stand out as a movie, especially with all the awesome films expected this summer. Terminator Salvation and Bruno in the same summer, fuck yeah.
As a score, i would give it... 6/10. It's not a bad film, far from it, but it's no better than average. Two last points; The whole "new reality" thing, stroke of genius. Keeps the nerds at bay as much as it's possible to, nice one them. Second thing; I did watch a fair amount of the original series, albeit not in order and sporadically over the years, but Spock and Uhara? The fuck? Alternate reality maybe, alternate BRAIN no. Didn't really change the film up or make it any better or worse, but it just seemed :OOC: to me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)